It was common knowledge in the Wizarding world that Lucius and Narcissa
Malfoy had a marriage of convenience. It was information that Lucius
Malfoy propagated and enhanced as much as possible. Narcissa also played
along. Lucius had decided years ago that it would be wise to keep his
personal feelings for his beloved wife...private. Malfoys married for
love. It was part of the Malfoy family Code of Honor™ and Malfoys never
strayed from the Code of Honor™... no matter what. He was not interested
in the Dark Lord knowing that he truly loved his beautiful wife. And love
her, he did. He loved his wife very much and craved her body and company
as much as he had the day they married. Outside the Manor, they appeared
cold and detached. Inside the Manor...well....
He was his own man, a dutiful husband...and a parent.
~*~*~*~*~
For Lucius Malfoy the highlight of any day was making love to his
beautiful, if vacant, wife Narcissa. Tonight was no exception. Being
fairly young, by wizard standards, his libido had not suffered a bit,
even though his only son was nearly 20 years old. His wife was beautiful,
trim, with curves in all the right places. Oh, Lucius had had a few
lovers, as had Narcissa, but they were not as frequent as people would
think. They always came back to each other in need of that special
something that only their mate could supply. Love.
Narcissa drew her elegant hand across the hard surface of her husband's
chest. This was the game they played every night. Lucius tried to remain
impassive and uninterested. Narcissa proved him wrong. It was only a
matter of time before the blond man gave in to the seductions of his
wife. While her hands worked their magic on his body, Lucius decided it
was time to end the game early. He gave in to the urges of his body and
with great pleasure began to make love to his wife.
At precisely the same time, the Malfoys' only son was apparating into
Malfoy Manor, as only Malfoys can, holding his new mate lovingly in his
arms. A brief kiss signaled his love (whose eyes were jammed shut) that
they had arrived.
As the couple climbed the marble staircase, Draco whispered, “Come with
me, love, it's still early. My parents should still be awake."
"But Draco, they are not expecting you until tomorrow. We shouldn't
disturb them," his love replied.
"Trust me, it's all right. I want to give them the big news."
Draco turned the doorknob to his parents' room, surprised that it had not
been locked, and accepted it as an invitation to enter. What he saw was
more than any son should ever see of his parents.
Oh...my...gods...Mother?...Father? That is something no child should ever
see.
The younger wizard silently closed the door to his parents' room. "You're
right, this is not the time to disturb my parents. This can wait 'til
morning."
"What's going on?" his lover asked.
"You just don't want to know."
Draco led his mate down to his private suite where, after another bout of
mind-blowing sex, they collapsed onto the bed for some much needed sleep.
~*~*~*~*~
During the late hours of the night, Narcissa Malfoy stirred in her sleep.
She could feel the wards protecting the Manor shifting and adjusting for
a new presence.
Draco's home! She watched her beloved husband sleep as the soft moonlight
reflected off his long hair. She leaned over and kissed his forehead,
causing him to stir.
"I'll be right back. I want to check on Draco."
One sleepy silver eye looked at the blonde woman, "Draco's back?" The
sleepy eye closed as Lucius rolled to his side. "Tell him I'll see him in
the morning."
Narcissa pulled on her silk dressing gown and padded barefoot down the
corridor to her son's private suite. As she entered, she noticed the
clothing strewn about the floor.
What has gotten into that boy? Draco has never been messy...
Draco's bedroom door was open and the trail of clothing led inside. The
soft moonlight cast a glow over the large bed as Narcissa tip-toed to
sneak a peek at her sleeping son. What she found in the bed was a very
attractive, naked young man sleeping peacefully in her son's arms. She
had to admit, they were lovely. The mistress of the Manor quietly left
her son's room and padded back to her own suite. She removed her dressing
gown and crawled back into bed with her husband. The sudden shift in the
bed caused Lucius to roll into his wife and embrace her.
"Lucius?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Are you awake?"
"Mmmhmmmm."
"There's a man in Draco's bed."
"Mmmhmmm."
"Did you hear me?"
"Mmmhmmm."
"I said there's an extremely attractive dark-haired man in bed with your
son."
"Mmmhmmm."
"Lucius?..."
"Yes, love, a man....IN DRACO'S BED?!"
Lucius Malfoy jumped out of bed, grabbed his robe and stormed out of the
bedroom in a fury of black silk. As quickly and quietly as possible, he
stormed into his son's suite, and entered the bedroom. Standing next to
the bed, he saw the entwined bodies glistening in the moonlight.
FUCK!
Each of the occupants in the bed stirred a little. A flicker of light
caught Lucius' attention. As he looked closely, he noticed the two
matching platinum bands on the young hands.
DOUBLE FUCK! They're married.
It was a once-in-a-life-time experience for Lucius Malfoy. He was
experiencing total abject fear. He knew that his life no longer had
meaning. His life had just taken a turn that he had never expected.
I...am a dead man walking.
~*~*~*~*~
Lucius did the only thing he could do. He went back to bed...hoping that
he never woke up again.
"Lucius, did you see him? Isn't he lovely? I didn't know that Draco liked
boys."
"It's Harry bloody Potter... and they're married."
Narcissa smiled, looked at her husband's normally calm face and sighed,
"Oh... Oh, dear."
"Precisely what I was thinking. Go to sleep, Narcissa." Actually, I was
thinking that a peaceful death looks pretty good right now compared to
what Voldemort is going to do to me when he finds out.
~*~*~*~*~
The sun was just beginning to rise on this clear December morning. Draco
opened his eyes and watched his lover sleep. Loose tendrils of dark hair
fell over his forehead and dark eyelashes opened as Draco kissed his
husband.
"Good morning, Harry Potter-Malfoy."
Two incredibly soft lips, according to Draco, reached up to kiss the
blond. "Good morning, Draco Potter-Malfoy."
Two pairs of strong arms drew the couple into a loving embrace.
"Happy Anniversary, Harry."
"What?" The fog in Harry's mind slowly began to dissipate. An elegant
hand began caressing Harry's lean hip.
"We've been married for one entire day." The Slytherin's hot breath
teased his husband's ear.
"Oh, yeah...Happy Anniversary. I love you, Draco." Harry's hands began to
imitate the dance that Draco's hands were performing up and down the
length of his body.
The blond pressed his husband down into the soft bedding and nibbled at
his neck. A groan escaped from his new husband.
"I love you, too, Harry."
Draco pulled Harry's body to his chest and kissed the top of his dark
hair.
"Harry, we should get showered. Mother and Father will be up soon and we
have lots to tell them."
Harry cringed at those words. He was not looking forward to the
confrontation with Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. He wasn't sure about
Draco's mother, but he knew that his father was not going to be pleased
with their good news. I might as well turn myself over to Voldemort now.
The blond climbed out of bed and offered Harry his hand. The couple made
their way into the bathroom and turned on the shower. The white marble
bath was large enough for two, but Draco offered its use to his husband
first. The blond shaved while Harry scrubbed his tired, aching body. The
sight of his beautiful husband in the shower was more than Draco could
manage. Harry stood under the stream of hot running water as he felt two
familiar hands soaping his body. The press of an erection from behind
forced a moan from his throat. Draco leaned in to nibble and kiss at
Harry's neck and shoulders, all the while lathering the former Gryffindor.
Harry turned in his lover's arms, only to be pressed back onto the slick
tile wall by the blond. "I thought...we...were..." Bloody hell.
He's mine, Draco's mind said. The taste of Harry was on like honey and he
was relishing the pure enjoyment of it. His desires surged through his
magic and he wanted his husband more than anything.
Harry ran his hands over the blond's chest, threading his fingers through
the pale hairs below his waist, avoiding the touch that Draco craved.
Draco sucked in his breath but stood still and let Harry continue his
erotic play. Draco ran his hands down Harry's hard, muscular chest and
across the contours of his abdomen. Harry was moaning and thrust against
Draco's hand as the blond teased him.

Draco was coming undone, his legs starting to tremble. He braced his
hands on either side of Harry's head. Harry had been a virgin all those
months ago, but Draco had expertly trained him in the ways to pleasure
his mate.

"Oh gods, Draco!" It was impossible to prevent his primal scream. For
Harry, this was his drug of choice.
~*~*~*~*~
It was at this exact moment that Lucius Malfoy opened the door to his
son's bathroom. He had awakened that morning very refreshed. In fact he
felt so good that he had convinced himself that everything he had
experienced the night before night had been nothing but a bad dream. When
he had entered his son's room, he had heard the water running and thought
to welcome his beloved son home. What he discovered when he opened the
door was billowing clouds of steam and several curious noises. What he
saw was his son fucking Harry Potter. Lucius silently closed the door
behind him and collapsed onto Draco's bed.
That's it. Now I have to rip my eyes out.
~*~*~*~*~
Draco continued to make love to his husband until, with one final thrust,
throwing his head back in ecstasy, he reached his orgasm. He heard Harry
cry out, his hands on Draco's hips as he slumped onto the seeker's
shoulder.
~*~*~*~*~
When Draco emerged from the bathroom, he found both of his parents
sitting patiently on his bed. Narcissa had carefully pulled the covers up
and fluffed the pillows, hoping to avoid any evidence of her son's
lovemaking. Lucius sat with his head in his hands until he heard his son
enter the bedroom. He looked up to see his son wearing nothing but a
stunned look, holding an appropriately large towel in front of his body.
Thank Merlin. I've seen more of my son's body in one morning than I did
when he was born.
Draco saw his parents sitting on the bed. "Uh..hello?"
Narcissa smiled at her beautiful son, "Good morning, Draco. We see that
you've brought company home for the holidays."
Lucius groaned and fell back onto the bed.
"Uh..yeah...I...uh..."
'The company' chose that minute to exit the bathroom, without putting on
his glasses. With a loud "Ooof!', he plowed into the back of the blond
blocking his path. "What the f..."
Lucius sat up to look at his new son-in-law. He had that stupid
Gryffindor deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. Lucius rolled his
eyes at Draco. Draco smiled the goofiest Gryffindor-style grin that he
had ever seen. The elder Malfoy picked his jaw up off the floor and
regarded the dark-haired wizard who was trying desperately to cover his
private parts from the eyes of his new in-laws.
Too late, Potter. You have nothing left to hide. Lucius smirked to
himself. If he wasn't in such a panic, it would have almost seemed funny.
Never being the most eloquent in potentially dangerous situations, Harry
squeaked "Fuck... Oh, sorry Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy," and ran back into the
bathroom to release the contents of his stomach into the porcelain bowl.
Draco shrugged and Lucius glared.
That boy will never be a Malfoy. Malfoy's do not vomit. Ever.
The older man continued his death glare. "Draco...son...would you care to
explain to your mother and me just how and why Harry Potter is currently
in your bathroom ...naked...vomiting into the toilet? Hmmm?"
Narcissa smiled as she took her son in her arms and led him to the bed.
"Yes, dearest, how did all this come about?"
Draco sighed. This was not going to be easy. And Harry was puking again.
The young wizard pulled a robe around his body and called for a
house-elf. "Bibsy!"
<POP!>
"Yes, Master Draco?"
"Bibsy, please go to the kitchens and bring back any kind of mild cracker
or biscuit that you can find. Soup crackers would be excellent...and a
nice cup of tea. Bring them back to Master Harry. He's in the bathroom."
"Yes, Master Draco."
<POP!>
"That is it, young man! As head of this family, I want to know what the
bloody hell is going on and why Harry bloody Potter is NAKED AND VOMITING
INTO THE TOILET!"
Large purple veins began to stick out on the irate wizard's neck. A sheen
of sweat...uh, elegant perspiration (Malfoys do not sweat) glistened on
his face. His breathing was irregular and he knew he was having a heart
attack.
"Geez, Dad, chill."
Lucius perfected his imitation of a wide-mouthed bass.
My son has lost his mind. That's it. It's official. HELL has frozen over
and I am stuck renting out the ice skates.
<POP!>
Bibsy returned with the full tea set and handed each member of the Malfoy
family a cup.
"Thank you, Bibsy. Please see to Master Harry's needs while I speak with
my parents."
"Yes, Master Draco."
As he sipped his tea, Draco recounted the whole story. He and Harry had
been dating for nearly a year. They had been working together at the
Ministry of Magic and had been "set up" by Harry's friends, Ron and
Hermione Granger-Weasley. They fell in love and had been together as
lovers for months.
"That's lovely Draco, but how do you know it's really love? This could
just be a ...sex thing," his mother asked.
Draco sighed, "Look, I know that this is not what you two had planned for
me, but I love Harry. He's been the best thing that ever happened to me.
I've learned to give: my heart, my soul and my love. He's given me three
of the greatest gifts that I've ever received."
"And what is that, Draco dear?"
"He gave me his love. And this..."
Draco extended his left forearm to the eyes of his parents. He whispered
a simple glamour incantation and the once-black Dark Mark of Voldemort
was replaced by a blood red gryphon.
"But...how?"
"Harry's love. Because Harry gave me his unconditional love, he could get
rid of the mark. That was his second gift. He simply grabbed my arm and
mentally pushed all of his love into Voldemort's magic and broke the
spell surrounding the mark. The glamour is so that no one among the Death
Eaters knows that it's gone. Harry put a new spell to let me know when
Voldemort is calling, but he no longer has any control nor do I feel any
pain when he calls."
Draco looked his father in the eyes with his most serious expression.
"He's going to lose, Father. He can never beat Harry. You would do well
to change sides while you can."
Lucius erupted, as he stomped around Draco's room waving his arms in
madness. "Well, that bloody choice was taken away from me the moment you
and your fucking HUSBAND apparated into my Manor, wasn't it?! WHAT THE
FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, DRACO?"
Draco looked down at the platinum band ...he had forgotten about the
wedding ring on his hand...and The Malfoy Code of Honor™
"Uh...Harry and I got married?"
Narcissa ran to hug her son, "Oh, Draco, I'm so happy for you. I hope you
have as many years of happiness as your father and I have had."
"NARCISSA, SIT THE BLOODY HELL DOWN!"
Lucius visibly fought to calm his enraged body. When he had a semblance
of control, he continued, "Now, Draco...when did this ... wedding ...take
place?"
Draco backed up into a stance that was definitely protecting the bathroom
door. "We had planned on a June wedding, but things got pushed up... a
bit."
Lucius stalked his only son, "What sort of things got ...pushed up?" I
really don't want to know, do I? The images are still burning in my mind.
"Um, that was the third gift. Harry's four months pregnant. And be nice
because he's had really bad morning sickness for four months."
Lucius, the wide-mouthed bass, returned. Not only is he my son-in-law,
but he's also pregnant. Well, that explains the prayer to the porcelain
god.
"Now Draco, I know I haven't been the best father in the world. I have
dragged you along to a more-than-appropriate number of rapes and murders
and I did coerce you into joining the Dark Lord as one of his Death
Eaters. However, the one thing that I had hoped to impress upon you was a
simple method of birth control. Malfoys are born breeders, Draco. You
know how to prevent this. How the bloody hell did Potter get pregnant?"
No...no...the images are coming back.
Draco paused for a moment before answering, "He took a potion."
"WHAT?"
"He took a potion."
Lucius angrily advanced on his son, "You mean he took a fertility potion?"
Draco grimaced, "Uh...sort of."
Draco's mother was very confused, "Draco, how does one 'sort of' take a
fertility potion?"
"It's 'sort of' when you think it's something else."
Draco had finally done it. Both of his parents were totally gobsmacked
now.
"You see, Mother, Harry has never had any kind of luck or skill with
potions. It was supposed to be a surprise for me..."
I'll just bet it was a surprise, smirked Lucius.
"The potion was supposed to ... uh... enhance...uh... oh
geez...Itwasupposedtoincreaseoursexualendurance." There...he'd said it.
"Try that one again, son."
Draco dropped his eyes to stare at his feet. "It was supposed to increase
our sexual endurance. We wanted to see how long we could keep it up...
sex that is."
OK. Now that's just too much information for any parent. Oh, gods, the
images are back.
"As I said, Harry has never had any aptitude for potions and he made a
fertility potion by mistake. Of course it took us a couple of days to
realize that it wasn't the sexual stimulant that we thought it was."
Kill me now, Merlin. Just kill me now.
Harry emerged from the bathroom wearing one of Draco's silk robes,
looking a little less green and with his typical goofy Gryffindor smile
on his face. "Hello, again."
Draco's arm circled Harry's hips as he drew his husband closer.
"So that's about the whole story. We got married yesterday. Harry's
pregnant and we came here to spend the holidays with the two of you."
Great. Merry bloody Christmas and Happy fucking New Year to you, too.
Harry whispered into his love's ear. "Oh, yeah, I forgot one little
thing. Harry's lost all his magical powers."
The loud thump resonating throughout the room was attributed to Lucius
Malfoy fainting, for the first time in his life.
~*~*~*~
Lucius Malfoy desperately needed to talk to someone. Narcissa was
absolutely no help at all in this matter. She was purring and cooing all
around Harry, trying to make him comfortable and telling him all about
her pregnancy with Draco. Draco just smiled like an idiot. The only
person who might begin to understand the state of anxiety that Lucius was
in would be Severus Snape.
The blond threw a handful of powder into the fireplace in his study and
shouted for the Potions Master. When Snape arrived moments later, Lucius
recounted the entire story to him and Snape had the audacity to
laugh...out loud...a lot.
"This isn't funny, Severus."
"I beg to differ, Lucius. This is the funniest thing I've heard in the
last 20 years."
"You know, The Malfoy Code of Honor™ demands that I protect my new
son-in-law."
"Oh, Merlin, this is priceless," Snape guffawed through the stream of
hysterical tears running down his face.
"Draco's not going to let me kill the twit, is he?"
"Doesn't seem likely, now does it?"
"Well, it's the only way I can see to get me out of this mess."
"Lucius."
"So, I guess I'm working for the Light now."
"I've always thought you were a bit light in the loafers, Lucius."
"Tres gauche, my former friend." Lucius realized that there was no
sympathy coming from this quarter.
"Come on, Lucius. You have to admit that the situation is so improbable
and unpredictable that it could only happen with Draco and Potter. It's
hysterical. For once in my life, your luck is worse than mine."
~*~*~*~*~
Things actually went quite well at Malfoy Manor for a few days. That is,
until Christmas Day. The family had risen early for breakfast and to
exchange gifts. Lucius had considered vomiting when Harry and Draco
opened their gifts to each other, but then remembered that Malfoys do not
vomit. But those two were just so sickeningly sweet. The worst of it was
the 'adorable' over-sized shirt that Draco had given Harry with the
inscription Baby on Board plastered across the belly. Even Narcissa had
lost her mind and gone berserk shopping for the miniscule fetus. She
nearly lost her life when Harry held up the 'cute' little one-piece
snap-crotch outfit that had been embroidered with "Grandpa's Angel" on
the front. The three of them even had the nerve to discuss the conversion
of a guest bedroom into ...a nursery.
By ten in the morning, the family had disappeared into their own private
corners of the expansive house. It was nearly noon when all Hell broke
loose. Lucius was passing through the grand entrance when the doorbell
rang. No house-elf appeared as required, so the Lord of the Manor opened
the front door. Not really to his surprise, Walden McNair was standing on
his front step, expecting to be invited into Lucius' home.
Shit. I forgot about Christmas dinner. The whole bloody dark wizard world
will be here soon.
"Walden, so good to see you. Come in, come in. You're the first to
arrive." Fuck.
The evil executioner of not-so-dangerous creatures was welcomed into the
Malfoy house for Christmas dinner. McNair was not privileged to see the
abject panic on Lucius' face. Draco entered the entrance hall, carrying a
plate of sandwiches and a large glass of milk.
He stopped short when he saw Walden McNair standing next to his father.
"Draco, you remember McNair? He's here for Christmas dinner."
"Um...hello, Mr. McNair." Draco looked to his father for any kind of
help, recognizing the seriousness of the situation.
"Draco, have you seen....the cat?" his father asked with a suddenly sick
facial expression.
The young blond was frozen in place. "The cat, Father?"
"Yes, Draco...THE CAT. That messy dark cat that you brought home for
Christmas as a surprise for your mother and me."
"Oh...the cat. No, sir, I was just taking ...the cat...some food. This is
about the time he needs to ... be fed."
"That's fine son. We will be having several guests for Christmas dinner
and I do not want ...the cat... to disturb them. Do you think you can
take care of this, Draco?"
"Yes, sir, I'll do my best."
"Fine then, I'll just take my friend Walden into THE LIBRARY and pour him
a drink. And Draco, see if you can locate your mother."
~*~
Once Walden McNair had been sequestered in the library of the manor with
Lucius' favorite bottle of 100 year old scotch, a loud crash sounded in
the formal sitting room. When his lordship entered the room, Albus
Dumbledore was brushing off the soot and grinning like a Cheshire Cat.
"Dumbledore, please forgive my rudeness, but WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU
DOING HERE?"
The old man's eyes twinkled...again, "Why...didn't Harry tell you that I
was invited for dinner?"
FUCK and DAMN. Merlin, you are a sick evil bastard for tormenting my life.
"Come along... Albus, I have a nice bottle of brandy in the billiard room
that you might like to enjoy before we sit down to dinner."
"Why thank you, Lucius. That would be lovely."
The Lord of the Manor led the old coot to the billiard room and gave him
the quick tour. "Feel free to use the table if you feel like shooting
some billiards. There is also a dart board behind that door."
The ever-twinkling eyes twinkled even brighter. "I haven't played darts
in years."
Bloody great.
~*~
As Lucius closed the door to the billiard room, Bibsy the house-elf
announced a new arrival. Death Eaters Avery, Nott, and Jugson had arrived
while he was getting rid of Dumbledore. Holy crap.
"Thank you, Bibsy. Please go check on the young masters and make sure
they don't come down the stairs." Damn. I just thanked a house-elf. It's
a wonder she didn't drop dead.
Lucius ran down the hall, sliding across the marble and tried to regain
his balance as he greeted his latest arrivals. He pulled himself up
gracefully and, for good measure, smirked the Malfoy Death Smirk© at the
Death Eaters standing before him.
"Gentlemen, welcome. Make yourselves at home. I'll be happy to show you
to my study. There is some fine whiskey in there that I'm sure you will
love." The Lord of the Manor elegantly escorted his disgusting toadies to
his private study and handed them his favorite bottle of Firewhiskey and
three glasses.
Draco was padding up the stairs again with another plate full of food
when his father called out to him again, "Draco...son...did you find the
CAT?"
"Yes, Father. He's upstairs taking a nap"
Draco continued his trek up the stairs with Harry's food. He found his
love wide awake and hungry, as had become a habit lately. Harry reached
up and pulled Draco into a breathtakingly wonderful kiss. The blond
swirled his hand over the slightly rounded belly of his husband,
caressing the child within. His long elegant fingers prodded the
waistband of Harry's boxers, slipping his fingers inside to stroke
Harry's growing erection. Draco moaned into Harry's mouth as he kissed
him again and when the Gryffindor's hands began marking a seductive path
down Draco's body, all coherent thought left the young blond.
However, a very loud scream of "DRACO!" brought him back to reality.
Draco kissed Harry one more time and leaped out of the bed. "I'll be back
soon. I have to go see what is wrong with Father."
Draco ran down the stairs to find his father consumed by terror (or at
least that's what his facial expression was saying), standing in the
grand entrance with all of the Goyle, Crabbe and Parkinson families. He
stood next to his father after greeting these latest arrivals for dinner.
"You called for me, Father?"
"Yes, son. I will escort our guests to the BALLROOM while you will check
on the KITTENS in the sitting room. I had hoped that we had found them
all but there seems to be MORE than expected. Go check on the kittens.
And bring the BLACK kitten to me. I have need of him," Lucius gritted
through his teeth.
"Kittens?"
"Yes, the kittens that came with THE CAT you brought home for Christmas."
Not having a clue as to what his father was talking about, Draco
sauntered off toward the sitting room. Unlocking the door, to his
surprise, Draco found Remus Lupin, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger and
Severus Snape. His father had poured them all drinks and they were
chatting quite companionably. Except for Snape, he was having some kind
of fit of hysterical laughter. Not being dreadfully slow on the uptake,
Draco thought, Oh, I get it...the kittens. Funny.
Draco addressed the Potions Master, "Sir, my father has need of your
services. I believe you may find him near the ballroom."
Snape smirked and left the room to find Lucius. Being the smartest wizard
in the world, he had deduced the problem. The Death Eaters were coming to
dinner and he had a house full of unexpected Gryffindor idiots...plus a
pregnant nearly-squib son-in-law.
Payback's a bitch, eh Lucius?
~*~*~*
Lucius Malfoy had finally made a command decision. It was time for a
family meeting. He ran into Snape just outside the ballroom. Draco was
just leaving the sitting room and Narcissa came in from Merlin knows
where. Everyone was present except his errant son-in-law.
His lordship pinched the bridge of his nose, "Draco, where the bloody
hell is Harry?"
Draco threw up his hands in disgust. "How the hell should I know? I've
been running errands for you all morning. Last I checked he was in our
bed, but I have no idea where he could be. He's being moody and hormonal
right now. Usually that equates to great sex, but you never know. He
could be off sick or stuffing his face...again."
Lucius gathered his small army to plan a strategy. There were only the
four of them, but it was all he had. Then...the doorbell rang. Draco
stalked over to throw the front door open, only to find Minerva
McGonagall standing on the front steps.
"Happy Holidays, Draco."
Draco opened the door to allow the Assistant Headmistress to enter while
yelling over his shoulder, "Father, we have another KITTEN problem."
Lucius directed his attention to the front door. Well fuck this.
"Minerva, so good of you to come. Let me guess, Harry invited you, right?"
"Why yes, Lucius, he did."
Lucius pursed his lips and stared at the two Heads of House and his
family. He lifted his graceful eyebrow and asked, "Do any of you know of
anyone else that Harry may have invited for Christmas Dinner? ...the
half-giant perhaps...OR THE BLOODY GIANT SQUID?"
"Dad, calm down."
"I AM FUCKING CALM! I AM SO FUCKING CALM THAT I JUST MAY KILL MYSELF.!"
The elder blond wizard trembled with suppressed rage and fear. After a
long convulsion, he ran his fingers through his long hair and laughed.
Okay. My dad has gone completely nutters, thought Draco.
Narcissa fretted over the state her husband was in. Poor Lucius, he does
seem a bit put out with all this extra company. I don't see what the
problem is. The dining room table can seat as many as forty. We have
plenty of room. OH...I wonder if Lucius has noticed that he is not
wearing any shoes.
Heh, heh...the son of bitch has finally bitten off more than he can chew.
This should be fun. Snape was waiting for the real floor show to arrive.
Lucius took a moment to breathe deeply and gather his thoughts. "Now,
Minerva, while I am glad to see you, I have a very important job for you.
Albus is in the billiard room. We have a convention of Death Eaters in
the Manor and you must guarantee that Albus does not leave the billiard
room. I do not care what you have to do to accomplish that goal...all the
way up to and including giving him a lap dance."
Minerva gulped and Narcissa escorted her down the hall to the billiard
room.
Lucius thrust his elegant finger into his son's face. "Draco, you go to
the sitting room and entertain the bloody Gryffindor conclave. Keep them
in the sitting room. Do anything. You can even tell them the BLOODY
TRUTH! Once they agree to stay put, FIND THE EATING MACHINE YOU CALL A
HUSBAND!"
At the insane crazed look in his father's eyes, Draco left for the
sitting room, leaving his father with Snape and his returning mother.
"Severus, you go to the library and get McNair. Take him to the study
where you'll find Avery, Nott and Jugson. Get them as drunk as you
possibly can. Under no circumstances will you let them leave. Kill them
if you must.“ I can't believe I just said that. I am going to burn in
Hell before this day is over. „Narcissa, you go to the ballroom and
entertain the Parkinsons, Goyles and Crabbes to the best of your ability.
But under no circumstances will you let them leave the ballroom."
Lucius was trying to count the bodies and see if he had forgotten anyone.
Shit. Lucius grabbed his wife's shoulders and glared into her lovely, but
somewhat vacant eyes. "Narcissa...darling... While you are entertaining
the families, I would like to stress that this would not be a good time
to discuss your new son-in-law and how thrilled you are at becoming a
grandmother. If you understand what I'm saying, shake your head up and
down, dear."
The last remaining members of Lucius' Army split off for separate
destinations as Lucius planned his nervous breakdown. As he was planning
his personal exit from this earth, the errant Harry strolled by with
another plate of food, wearing Muggle earphones and singing his and
Draco's favorite 'song' at the top of his lungs:
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too.
I love to hear you o-ra-lise
When I'm between your thighs
YOU BLOW ME AWAYYYYYY!
Harry disappeared down the hall towards the Billiard Room and Albus.
Then ...the doorbell rang...again.
Lucius stormed over to the door and held his eye up to the peep hole in
the door. It was not something he normally would do, but today was a day
of abnormal things so why not? The fish-eye lens distorted the perception
but there was no mistaking the red reptilian eyes and snake-like face.
Voldemort!
Another, shorter man stood to his side. Pettigrew.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
FUCK.
Well, boys... Guess who's coming to dinner?
Lucius, in a state of eerie calm, walked directly over to the Cabinet of
Weaponry [all elegant grand homes have one] at the side of the entrance
hall and pulled out a Muggle gun. He knew it was an ugly, crude device,
but he was in an ugly, crude humor. The Lord of the Manor pressed the
barrel of the gun to his temple and began screaming.
"THAT'S IT. I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! I'VE GOT
BLOODY DEATH EATERS STUCK IN ROOMS ALL OVER MY HOME, A COVEN OF FUCKING
GRYFFINDORS IN THE SITTING ROOM, A DOTTY OLD COOT PLAYING "SCRATCH THE
KITTY" WITH HIS PET ANIMAGUS, A PREGNANT TEMPORARY-SQUIB SON-IN-LAW WHO'S
EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME AND THE FUCKING LORD OF DARKNESS STANDING
OUT ON MY FRONT STEPS!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT...IS... NOW ... OFFICIALLY
...OVER!"
There was no one around to see Lucius Malfoy lose his mind...except the
pregnant Harry who was returning from the back of the house with a silver
tabby cat. "Such a cute little kitty." He stroked the silky fur as the
ancient-looking cat purred.
Lord Malfoy accosted the Gryffindor, "Harry...son...“eeeeww, that's it.
Get the straightjacket....“where did you get that cat?"
Harry stopped scratching the cat's furry ears. "It was just standing
outside the billiard room looking lost. I was going to get it some food.
It looked hungry."
Triple fuck. "Harry, give me the cat. I'll make sure that it eats."
Harry looked at Lucius, trying to decide if he was going to hurt the lost
creature. "Promise me you won't curse it or torture it."
The only one in this entire household that is going to be tortured is
YOU, Potter. "I would never hurt such a ... darling animal. Trust me,
I'll ...take...care...of...it." Lucius swore through gritted teeth.
As he silently passed the irate scion of the Malfoy dynasty, the young
wizard handed him the cat and took the gun out of Lucius' hand. Harry
continued walking down the hall toward the kitchen, tucking the weapon
into his robe. He called back over his shoulder, "Lucius...sir...did you
know that you don't have any shoes on?"
His weapon of mass destruction taken away, Lucius ran to the billiard
room and thrust the clawing cat into Dumbledore's surprised arms, locking
the Headmaster and McGonagall in. Go for the lap dance, Minerva.
Resigning himself to his fate, he returned to the main entrance to greet
the Lord of Darkness.
~*~
The wide doors swung on their never-creaking hinges as the Lord of All
That Is Powerful and Dark entered Lucius' home.
"Welcome, my Lord." The blond executed his perfectly elegant bow before
his oh, my god, my life is so fucked up master.
"Thank you, Lucius. I must say that I have been looking forward to
visiting with you and your lovely family. It should be quite a treat."
You have no idea, you bloody bastard.
The Dark Lord stared at his blond minion. "Lucius, are you aware that you
have no shoes on?"
Lucius rolled his eyes before lifting his head from his elegantly
groveling position.
"Yes, Lord. It has been brought to my attention. I have been extremely
busy with all the guests arriving that I have not had a chance to finish
dressing."
"Well, see that it doesn't happen again. Bare feet are not pretty."
My feet are pretty, you maniac. I may just have to kill you myself if you
tell me my feet aren't pretty again. "Lord, let me escort you to the
terrace. I have placed a warming spell on the terrace and the house-elves
shall bring you your heart's desires."
The Lord of All That Is Powerful and Dark followed the barefoot Lord of
the Manor out onto the terrace with his sniveling rat-man at his side.
Simultaneously as Lucius and the Dark Lord entered from the left,
Narcissa and the Death Eaters from the ballroom entered from the right.
Lucius gaped at his pretty but vacant wife.
"Narcissa, what... a... surprise," he gritted through his teeth.
"Oh, Lucius, I know we were supposed to stay in the ballroom, but it was
just so boring. So I thought I would give our dinner guests a tour of the
gardens."
"Narcissa, please remember to greet our newest arrivals. You remember the
Dark Lord...LORD VOLDEMORT and his groveling minion Pettigrew."
"Oh, goody, more for dinner. Hello, Your Lordship. Lucius, I must go tell
the elves to set more places for dinner. Now let's see...that will
be...eight out here, Albus and Minerva in the billiard room, Severus and
four Death Eaters in the study, three Gryffindors in the formal sitting
room, you, me, Draco and Harry. That makes twenty-two for dinner. Am I
right, love?"
Lucius was surprised at every breath he was allowed to breathe after his
wife's outrageous announcement. He slipped to his knees and dropped his
eyes, waiting for the quick flash of green light that would end all his
insanity and pain. Please, just kill me quickly. No torture. I've had
enough torture for one day.
But the green light never came.
The young emerald-eyed Savior-of-the-Wizarding-World chose that opportune
moment to enter the farce on the terrace calling, "Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty..."
Lord Voldemort, the Lord of All That Is Powerful and Dark, drew his wand
and advanced on the young formerly-all-powerful wizard. "Ah ha, Potter,
now I have you...and without your wand, I see!"
Narcissa chimed in, "Oh, silly, that wouldn't matter anyway. Harry's lost
his powers because of the baby."
Lucius collapsed and curled into a fetal position. Merlin, save me from
the morons infesting my home.
The evil red eyes gleamed at the
peanut-butter-and-banana-sandwich-munching boy.
"Ha ha ha, Potter, you have no powers to defeat me."
"Ha ha ha, Tom, I just don't give a shit." (This was one of those
'hormonal' moments.)
The Dark Lord moved to stand within three feet of the pregnant boy.
"Ha ha ha, I'm going to kill you, Potter."
Harry rolled his eyes in disgust. "Yeah, right. Loser. Been there. Done
that. Can't you come up with something just a little more clever?" Harry
yawned .
"That's it, Potter. PREPARE TO DIE!" The snake-faced creep lifted his
wand to utter the deadly curse.
"Ha ha ha, Tom, the joke's on you."
<BANG>
Lord Voldemort, the Lord of All That Is Powerful and Dark, dropped dead
to the ground. Everyone on the terrace stared at the horrifying scene.
There on the cold stone floor lay the great Dark Lord. Standing over him
with Lucius' smoking gun in his hand, eating his peanut butter and banana
sandwich (a new staple in the Malfoy home), stood
The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Finally-Kill-Voldemort.
Lucius jumped up out of his trance and began shaking his son-in-law with
the full force of his strength. Then, Harry slapped him. "Deal with it,
Lucius."
When Harry tried to leave the terrace, Lucius screamed, "That's it?
That's all there is to it! Twenty fucking years of subjugation and
humiliation wiped out in one stupid second! YOU FUCKING SHOT HIM?!"
Harry turned to his father-in-law and handed him the empty revolver,
"Yeah, Wizzo, surprised you didn't think of that one years ago." Harry
bit into his peanut-butter and banana sandwich and turned the Malfoy
Death Smirk© on his hysterical father-in-law. "So...you gonna call the
Aurors and get this trash out of here?"
~*~*~*~
EPILOGUE
Almost 5 months later, Lucienne Narcisse Malfoy was born without
complications to Draco and Harry Malfoy. Well, not exactly to Draco and
Harry. Harry was there. Draco was unfortunately out of the country on
Ministry business. Typically, the only person in Malfoy Manor when
Harry's water broke was Lucius Malfoy. Lucius had not even watched his
own son's birth and now he was stuck as Harry's labor partner. So it was
Lucius who had to transport his now-in-labor son-in-law to St. Mungo's
for the delivery. And it was Lucius Malfoy who had all the fingers in his
left hand broken while Harry suffered through the transitional phase of
labor. During the final phase of labor Harry's magic came back and as
such it was Lucius Malfoy who lost all his private parts, albeit
temporarily, when Harry, in a pain-induced frenzy, cursed the blond to
his right, thinking that it was Draco.
The Lord of the Manor quickly forgave the dratted Gryffindor when his new
granddaughter was placed in his arms. As only little girls can do, she
wrapped her tiny fist around her grandfather's heart and pulled with all
her might. And the Lord of the Manor really didn't mind at all. Looking
at her wispy blond hair and blue-green eyes, Lucius Malfoy finally
accepted, as son, the man in Draco's bed.